Marriage Separation Advice

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A trial separation is a valid and serious approach to trying to get your marriage back on its feet. However, it does not always result in reconciliation. Often, a trial separation will reveal core differences between individuals and might highlight these to the point that it appears easier for you to end the marriage as opposed to overcoming the differences.

The key to understanding your marital relationship is in recognizing the uniqueness of your situation. You may not have complete control over what is happening around you, but you do have control over how you choose to react to your state of affairs.

Sometimes a separation will reveal that divorce or breaking up will serve a couple better in the long run, the parties involved must understand that it doesn't mean that you have each personally failed. To the contrary, some would see it as more courageous in knowing when to move on rather than fighting your way to a catastrophe.

If You’re Not Ready to Close the Door on Your Spousal Relationship

It's encouraging to know you have options. How will you know whether or not a couple should get back together? Are children involved? If so, then how will this affect them? Will the effects be positive or negative? Are you committed to a better and brighter future or are you resigned to a lifetime of settling for second best? Remember, whatever you both decide will make a difference for the rest of your lives and for the future of your relationship.

Ending a relationship is sometimes the easier option, but is it the best option? What do you need to restore a relationship to vigorous good health? One way is to make time for each other, show appreciation and communicate on a regular basis. Why not learn to laugh again?

Put Matters in Their Proper Perspective

Before you and your partner decide to separate temporarily, both of you should do some homework. Implement the tips and strategies that make a trial separation effective.

Have you made sure that there are guidelines and a structure to govern your trial separation? Have you covered elements such as financial arrangements, childcare and visitation, dating others and regular meetings?

Have you made it clear to each another that a trial separation is beneficial for your relationship and will not necessarily end in divorce or permanent separation? Have you ensured that the trial separation is set up in such a way that it relieves stress from conflict situations in the relationship rather than add to them?

Have you also clarified the purpose of the trial separation and what issues need to be resolved such as personal or relationship issues? Both of you are supposed to work on this. This way, when you do meet, you have a clear agenda for discussion. Having an agenda will relieve false expectations (which causes more stress) and limit unessential issues.

When these objectives are in place, it will be easier for you and your spouse to arrive at an agreeable compromise. Come together after a certain prearranged period of time has passed. Examine your feelings and talk about them. Don't be afraid to be honest and straightforward with one another.

Be Sure of Your Feelings

If handled right, a trial separation will help clarify your feelings for your partner and give you enough reason to reconcile or possibly call it quits. However, give yourself until your agreed time frame to act on these feelings. This allows you time to keep on thinking matters through and if needed, to change your mind.

What to Look For

An important signpost is whether or not a real change has occurred. If, after being apart you feel a renewed sense of attraction to your partner or an eagerness to work things out, then that is a good sign. However, if you find that that your core issues have not been addressed, then it is highly possible that nothing has changed and the old problems may come back to torment you both.

In this case, you need to evaluate if your current amount of effort needs to be increased, or if you both need to rethink your approach to reconciliation. At this point, input from an external third party such as a counselor may offer some valuable insights into possible ways forward.

A New Beginning

To work on reconnecting with your partner, even after a separation, start slow. Take it one date at a time. Resist the temptation to move back in right away. Allow yourselves to get to know one another again, to rebuild trust and intimacy, and to adjust to personal changes that each of you may have taken on.

Learn one another's rhythms again. It is suggested that you take up a common activity that you will both enjoy such as a dance class, hobby, or sport.

Finally, take things easy. Don't expect that things will be perfect. In fact, resist the urge to expect chocolates, roses and romantic soundtracks. All relationships have their share of problems. It’s important that with maturity and self-awareness, you both accept this fact but are still determined to commit and love one another each day, flaws and all.

If you find yourself separated from your partner or if you're looking for more marriage separation advice…
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